Mirror, Mirror on the Wall…

When I wake up in the morning and go the bathroom, I see myself in the mirror, and I do not think much of it. It is when I put on my glasses and see my image much clearer, that I wonder: who is that? Who is that old lady? I do the close-up and detect lines and wrinkles around the mouth; I see the sagging eyelids.

            This is a reality that has come upon me gradually. I know my age, but I have not seen it as clearly before. I shy away from the image. I dislike it. I have never had any issue with growing older before – but that may be because I basically looked the same.

            Ageing. I like the amount of experience the years have given me. I like the security I feel, the acceptance of self – but I do not feel like the image in the mirror. My soul is still strong, vibrant, enthusiastic…not reduced, not wrinkled like a dried plum. I have noticed other people’s comments and indications of the same sentiment: we may look old on the outside, but feel very much alive, even youngish on the inside.

            I want to embrace ageing. I want to celebrate my graying hair. I want there to be honour and satisfaction in my path. I have no ideal of youth; I do not want to look young. To me it is a sad story when I see wrinklies sporting the teenage look, desperately trying to be relevant for the other sex.

            What gives me value is not looks; I have never been in that category. It is not fading beauty I bemoan. It is more the disconnect between who I feel I am and who I appear to be, which bothers me. I know the answer is to embrace who I am at this point in life, to see the mature matre in the mirror and repeat: Me.

            There is another aspect of this ageing process that irks me: I become irrelevant to the greater society. I become like a small, grey mouse. I disappear in the multitude of ordinary, aged women. Must I rebel and look artsy in wild colours and attempt to stand out in the crowd? Hm.

I know I am created in wonderful ways by our Heavenly Father. I know He sustains my life. It is how I live and what I do, which express more of who I am than what I look like. He has called me to pray. Perhaps I should live without mirrors, and rather see my own reflection in the image of God, my creator?

Study of an old woman, Rembrandt