Blessings of Boundaries

 Young people these days struggle with high expectations. I read about this in the newspaper. I hear talk of it among colleagues. I meet many young people in my profession. I have pondered for some time what it is that creates such anxiety, such stress at a young age. Who expects too much? Why are high expectations hard to handle?

            A few days ago I sat in a festive gathering of alumni from a school I attended in my youth. Different age groups of alumni entered the stage to share a memory or two from the time they were students. I noticed the older generation, as they told about the strict rules, the scare of being called in to the principal’s office. I noticed the charm and wit as they recalled the strict division of the genders. They were allowed to fall in love, to hold hands, but never to be in the dark and shady places alone.

It struck me, as I enjoyed their humorous musings, that the strictness, the standard, the boundaries set before them, was a liberating blessing. They were safe within the boundaries. Someone else was responsible for them. They did not have to define their limits; they simply adhered to them. Breaking them was exhilarating, but they all knew there would be consequences, and they needed to be kept in check, and they wanted that.

It is hard to be strict. To be like a Tante Sofie, a strict spinster from our children’s literature, is to assume rather unpopular role, often criticized and ridiculed. I wonder about the adult responsibility, as a parent, as a teacher, as a fellow citizen. What is our role, and how could it better aid the new generations?

Do we have laws to limit harm? Yes, we do. We have laws to regulate both actions and intent.  Do we have norms and standards to limit harm? Now, that is question, because the norms are in flux, they are changing – and I question the value of those that burden the young.

Today’s youth play. Today’s youth work. They go to school, and some have expectations of doing a little better than their abilities; others are happy with passing.  Whether I am right or not, will be for others to judge, but I think today’s youth struggle more because they have less boundaries set for them, they have to create their own norms and standards. They are left to themselves to administer them, to be their own authority. In relationships the young man or the young woman has to set the rule for acceptable behavior and has to be the one to enforce it. There is no societal norm, which they both can refer to. They have to define this themselves. There are no adults responsible for the administration of reprimands; they themselves have to be that authority.

I believe this is a major source of stress and fear of failure, and I feel it is unfair to put this sort of responsibility on young shoulders. This is an area where adults have shrunk back in their will and ability to take on responsibility. We, the adult generation have a mandate to be and become the ones to define where boundaries lie, and we are responsible for administering them.

It is not the school requirements, the chase for good grades or the struggle to get ahead which creates the unbearable demands on young people. Such demands have always been there. People have answered these challenges for generations. It does not help to be lenient on those demands, be they ever so hard. No, if the young people feel secure in their environment, if they can refer to a standard norm, a mom or dad who prohibits certain type of behavior – then they have their backs covered. They are not creating the norm, but simply adhering to it.  If they are breaking it, mind you, then it is a willful act. A breach has consequences, and these will be administered by the ones who have the responsibility for and the authority to do so.

Is it true, then that a certain laziness in us adults leads children to despair?

Are we really unpopular with the young if we truly fulfill our role as responsible authority figures? I think not. I think many will love us more in the long run. But we are in deep trouble if we do not know the norms and standards, if we have never thought about what is truly valuable and important in life.

As a Christian, how do I see morality and what is preserving life for the next generations? How do the biblical teachings guarding us in our society? As adults, we are also under authority, the authority of Jesus Christ. Without this foundation, we would be lost. Without this anchor, we would be adrift. So, as we see our own place, our won responsibility, we realize the each generation needs the fundament and anchor in Jesus Christ.